The Art of Positive Feedback

Impactful learning depends on constructive feedback, both positive and negative.

Recently, Arthur C. Brooks, a contributor to The Atlantic and a Harvard professor, wrote an article addressing positive feedback titled “A Compliment That Really Means Something.” Brooks writes,

“…The quality of our relationships, in fact, depends on the ratio of praise to criticism that is exchanged. The people we deal with, at work and at home, not only will flourish if we provide a good proportion of positive feedback along with occasional correctives but also will be more likely to perform well, succeed – and like us.”

“Researchers have found, for example, that on the highest-performing corporate teams, members gave 5.6 compliments for every criticism of their peers. On the lowest-performing teams, that ratio was upside down, with 2.8 criticisms per compliment. This effect seems to apply not just in a business environment but in personal partnerships. According to the Gottman Institute, a project by two academic psychologists to improve relationships, happy couples’ ‘magic ratio’ of positive to negative interactions (a negative interaction being one involving critical, dismissive, or defensive behavior) is 5 to 1.”

“However, just as giving constructive criticism is no straightforward matter and requires skills and knowledge, so it is with compliments. Done well, words of praise can be a soothing balm of Gilead for human relations at home and at work. But done poorly, compliments can be ineffective, even destructive. What follows is a research-based guide to giving compliments right.”

…

“Whether the compliment is effective in uplifting the other person depends on whether it is believable, appropriate, and unqualified. To begin with, a good compliment must not clash with its recipient’s self-conception. If you tell me my hair looks good, I will dismiss it and suspect your motives, because I am bald. More generally, people with low self-esteem don’t usually receive compliments well. As researchers have shown, in people with high self-esteem, a compliment stimulates parts of the brain responsible for self-referential thinking. This occurs significantly less for people who have low self-esteem, probably because the compliment does not ring true with their negative view of themselves, and so they discount it. Other reasons some people resist compliments include simple modesty and a desire not to appear superior.”

“Even if a compliment agrees with one’s self-conception, scholars writing in 2022 in Current Psychology concluded, it must meet three criteria to be accepted by its object. The praise must come from a person with credibility to give it, it must be sincere and unscripted, and it must occur in the appropriate context.”

“Consider, for example, how you’d respond to a fulsome compliment from a salesperson you’d never met about how smart and discriminating you are when you’re leaning toward a particular purchase. You’d probably find that kind of compliment off-putting, because the person doesn’t know you well enough to judge your true qualities and is simply buttering you up to make a sale. The compliment fails on all three counts: the praiser lacks credibility, their sincerity is suspect, and your willingness to spend money in a store is not a meaningful context for grading your intelligence.”

“Some compliments are not just ineffective; they actually cause harm. My Harvard colleagues Alison Wood Brooks and Michael Norton, with co-authors Ovul Sezer and Emily Prinsloo, have conducted research into backhanded praise, which implicitly puts someone down by comparing their good quality with a negative standard. An example of a destructive compliment would be ‘You look pretty good for a bald guy’ – not that I’m insecure or anything – because this sets such a low ceiling on the praise.”

“Other ways to give negative praise include comparisons with past failure (‘This draft is certainly better than the last one’), with poor expectations (‘Your work is better than I expected’), and with a derogatory stereotype (‘This work isn’t bad for a Yale grad’). In their experiments, the authors found that the complimenters thought these backhanded comparisons were positive, but both recipients and third-party observers disagreed.”

“Given all this research, it might sound as though giving a compliment that can be accepted and beneficial is difficult and fraught. In truth, praising well is really quite simple if you follow three simple rules.”

“Be honest – Remember that compliments generally get rejected when they are not credible or sincere; in other words, when they are perceived as dishonest. …Before delivering a compliment, ask yourself: Do I truly believe what I am going to say to this person? If not, refrain. If so, proceed to the second rule.”

“Make your compliment a pure gift – A common reason to compliment someone is to induce them to reciprocate in some way. Psychologists have shown that it works: When people participating in an experiment were complimented by a stranger and then asked for a favor, they were more likely to comply than when not complimented, because, the researchers positive, of the human urge for reciprocity. …So, for a compliment to be honest, make it with nothing asked or expected in return. (And when you are praised by a stranger and then asked for a favor, don’t reward this disingenuousness.)

“Avoid qualification – …Comparing a person with someone else or with a standard benchmark is perilous at best and destructive at worst. A favorable comparison will make someone who is humble feel uncomfortable. And if the comparison appears unfavorable, the compliment will backfire.”

…

Brooks’s advice can help anyone who wants to improve their acts of positive feedback, or the art of complimenting. It can be especially helpful to those adult learning leaders out there that want to reward their young learners with praise for a job well done. Remembering honesty, making your compliment a pure gift, and avoiding qualification while complimenting will make you a better learning leader. And your young learners will appreciate your leadership even more.

Til tomorrow. SVB